#TFTFZ

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Day 2.

This morning, I woke up with not a single hangover from the beer I drank last night. Well, it was only a single bottle, yet in a way, it relaxed me...at least was able to put me to sleep. It was one way to numb me from the pain I am feeling. That sickening feeling in my stomach that makes me want to puke. I found out some things. Things I did not expect. The worst is, it makes me feel like I'm the "bad guy." I never intended to be one. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I am not the type who would force myself on someone. I just do my thing, mind my own business. Yet by some twist of fate, we became close. Maybe she saw something in me, or that we were similar in some ways. I did not force her to be my friend.


She asked why I have been quiet for the past two days. I denied, of course. She can see that I am not the same. I know I am not the same. Funny how two weeks could change everything. We promised nothing will change. But she knows and I know that eventually it will.

I have no room for regrets. I have to suck it all up. I made the decision to let the truth be known, and I have to take whatever consequences my action entailed. Maybe she won't, but I don't know if I'll ever be the same old me.

Rejection is harsh. It's hard, painful. Like having the air sucked out from your lungs. Like being made into a punching bag. Unbounded, immobile. You can't do anything but just lay on the ground, motionless. Ego bruised, dreams shattered.

I still want to take care of her. Even though she made it clear that nothing can ever come between us. She said I should not be too attached with her. That I should not exhaust my energies on her. She didn't even give me a chance, give herself a chance.

All I know is that I am craving for an iced old beer, or maybe that Antonov Vodka I drank last New Year's Eve. I am afraid I'd turn into a raging alcoholic because I can not handle pain well. I just want to be numb... motionless... immobile...