A Load of B.S.

"No expectations," she said. "Let's just enjoy each other's company..." she said.

It was this time last week when I drowned my misery with three stallions of Red Horse. Quite a  lot for me since I seldom drink. Well, I do drink occasionally, but just enough to keep me light headed, or at least be able to cloud whatever pain I was dealing with.

This week has been a roller coaster of mood swings. For her, and for me. One minute she's her energetic, go-getter, need-to-get-things-done, "normal" self. The next she's this stubborn, I-don't-care, sometimes even wreckless attitude. I try to understand her, I do try my best. I am stretching my patience up to its most elastic limit. I should not be letting my feelings get in the way of things. I should not be affected by this. She is, after all, going thru something. Something even more worse than what I am feeling right now. It is not about me. It is about her. Her pain. Getting my emotions in the way just makes it the more confusing, and down right depressing. But why I am feeling like crap? Why am I starting to feel that I should just let her go. And just...move on?





Last night, we stayed up at the office up until midnight. I even helped her do the layout for an office for her project. It felt nice to be needed, to be able to do something for her. To be appreciated. But today was a 360 degree turn. She was somewhat cold, distant. It's as if she was a totally different person from last night.

I should be strapping myself for the loops and the whirls of this crazy ride I unfortunately volunteered myself into. Nobody forced me to jump in anyway. It was my stubborn self that got me in this shit in the first place.

No expectations? Who am I kidding? How can I not expect something when we're together more than ten hours a day? 5 days a week? And when we're not physically together, we text sweet nothings, show each other that we care? Even plan trips in the future... we even include each other in our plans. Really....Who am I kidding?

Is what I am doing safe? Or am I just putting myself up for another heartache? Is continuing to be close friends with her the right thing to do? Or should I distance myself first?

I am not stupid. I know what to do. But I am not doing it. I am just like her, in a way. She knows what she should do, but she's just not doing it.

Oh crap. A bunch of crap.