Misery Loves Company

How does one get over the pain? Pain that was caused by someone who at some point in your life meant a great deal? How does one get over the many sleepless nights? the emptiness? the misery?

How can some people act as if you don't exist anymore? Just like that...

Why do I find it hard to accept facts? to face reality? To just stop wallowing in this lonely abyss... I want to get up...to stand back up again. Why does it have to hurt this way?

Karma's a bitch, they say. Now I'm trying to recall what I have done in the past to deserve this... Am I getting a dose of my own medicine? All I know is that I opened my heart once again. I let myself believe that somehow the Universe will be on my side.

The cosmos and planets must be aligning up in the heavens or something... The first month of the year has not been too friendly, I must say.

One silver lining I can see from this situation is that now I know who are true friends are. Those who do not get tired of my endless moping and pity party. Who would bring the shovel (or bail me out of jail) if and when circumstances get out of hand...well, I hope it won't get to that point.

Ahhhh............ I just want this to end. Now. This instant.

Realization 1.0

I woke up today with a certain clarity. Although I arrived in the office 9 minutes late (my 3rd for this month! waa), I had some sort of a sense of peace over me. It's as if the fog is slowly clearing out...the winds have shifted, and hopefully, this dark cloud hovering me will soon be blown away for good.

Best advice come from unexpected people and at unexpected times. Last night, I was flicking over my phone, checking my facebook news feed. It was a little past midnight. I could not sleep. It must be from the free dark mocha frappe I gulped while (half) listening to my office friend's Revit Tutorial. Caffeine plus numbing the pain I'm feeling inside, depression...or whatever you call it, have successfully kept me awake even though my body is screaming for rest.

EMOnday

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Yesterday, I attended a free IELTS Orientation at Taft, Pasay. It was refreshing since I am about to learn something new. Well, not really...but you get the idea. It was what I needed to keep my mind off the negativity that's happening around. I needed to clear my mind, and let my heart rest for a while.

I read somewhere that in order for my mind to be clear, I should stay away from people who mess around with it. Simple, isn't it? Come to think of it, it was only me who insisted on holding on. Clearly, I don't mean anything to her. So why do I still bother?

Status Quo

As wikipedia.com states,

Status quo is a Latin term meaning the existing state of affairs. It is a commonly used form of the original Latin "statu quo" – literally "the state in which". To maintain the status quo is to keep the things the way they presently are.

A Load of B.S.

"No expectations," she said. "Let's just enjoy each other's company..." she said.

It was this time last week when I drowned my misery with three stallions of Red Horse. Quite a  lot for me since I seldom drink. Well, I do drink occasionally, but just enough to keep me light headed, or at least be able to cloud whatever pain I was dealing with.

This week has been a roller coaster of mood swings. For her, and for me. One minute she's her energetic, go-getter, need-to-get-things-done, "normal" self. The next she's this stubborn, I-don't-care, sometimes even wreckless attitude. I try to understand her, I do try my best. I am stretching my patience up to its most elastic limit. I should not be letting my feelings get in the way of things. I should not be affected by this. She is, after all, going thru something. Something even more worse than what I am feeling right now. It is not about me. It is about her. Her pain. Getting my emotions in the way just makes it the more confusing, and down right depressing. But why I am feeling like crap? Why am I starting to feel that I should just let her go. And just...move on?

Sleep and a Cup of Coffee

It is Monday once again. And once again, I don't feel like working....

I feel sleepy. I just want to go home to my apartment and sleep. I am thinking of all my pillows scattered all over the bed. It has been unusually cold these past days, that's why it's harder to wake up in the morning. But thinking of all the things that need to be done and thinking of seeing her again, is enough to drag my lazy butt out of bed. Urggghhh....

#TFTFZ

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Day 2.

This morning, I woke up with not a single hangover from the beer I drank last night. Well, it was only a single bottle, yet in a way, it relaxed me...at least was able to put me to sleep. It was one way to numb me from the pain I am feeling. That sickening feeling in my stomach that makes me want to puke. I found out some things. Things I did not expect. The worst is, it makes me feel like I'm the "bad guy." I never intended to be one. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I am not the type who would force myself on someone. I just do my thing, mind my own business. Yet by some twist of fate, we became close. Maybe she saw something in me, or that we were similar in some ways. I did not force her to be my friend.