The Best Decision I've Made In My Life (So far)

"Incompetent. Unproductive. Inefficient."

Words can be harsh, gut-wrenching, ego-demeaning- especially when those words come from the person with the highest position in the company you've been working for two years and six months. Those two years and six months of working very long hours a day than required (9.5 hours a day is already long, btw.) I am not a perfect employee, I know that. I may have lapses here and there, I may have spent some company time doing personal stuff (like right now, with this blog)...but who hasn't? But more importantly, I try my best to make up for my inadequacies. I work my ass off to come up with a decent output, to try to meet their expectations...to move heaven and earth when the job calls for it. 

 It was about this time last week (July 8), when our VP called the Support Group for an emergency meeting. There were about 8 of us whom she called in her office. Like her "usual self," she got straight to the point. She said we should not be dragging our projects too long, that when someone is not performing well, he should be "pulled out" from that project (much like pruning pesky weeds in a flower garden?) She then inquired the statuses of our respective projects, and when she got to me, that was when she released all her wrath.

Using her "usual" sarcastic tone, she even made me as an example of her intro earlier. That I have been dragging the project, that "wala akong ginagawa (not doing anything) for the past year since I asked for transfer to my current project. She even said this: "Imagine hiring a draftsman, yet that draftsman has not been doing anything... Sayang ang binabayaran ng companya." 

Now that I think about it, I think the meeting was directly targeted towards me (at least I felt like it, although she also lashed out on another colleague.) No matter how much I voiced out or told her my explanations, she just shut me out. As if anything I said did not matter anymore. My reasons were not valid enough for her. She had all the rebuttals to every point I tried to make, and to make matters worst, like I said, there were 8 of us in the room. She could have talked to me in private, but noooo, it was just like her to make another person look like a fool...wait, scratch that. An incompetent fool.

That afternoon, I told my immediate boss (IB) what happened and warned her that I might be pulled out from the project. My voice might had been shaking when I was relating the incident. At some point, my IB was subtly putting even more blame on me. More like putting salt in an open wound. 

Sure my drawings were delayed. I am well aware of that. But it is not because I have NOT been doing anything. I have been juggling various work loads all at the same time. I know IT IS part of my job, and I know, too, that other design officers are doing the same. I am not complaining... it's just that some people expect you to be Superman or The Flash...just because THEY'VE done it before. They kept comparing you to people who came before you, who honestly, had to kiss someone's ass 80% of the time to get to where they are now.

That Tuesday night, I cried myself to sleep. Not because of weakness, but because I felt that no matter how I tried to do my best, some people don't see the good in you. They already have this idea in their heads of what you are and not for what you are capable of. Well, to hell with you! 

I refuse to be insulted like this. To feel like a worthless piece of sh*t. To be trampled upon like mud, and be looked down upon. I know my capabilities, I know my strengths, and if no one in this god-forsaken company appreciates it, then I'm glad to be packing my things up. The show has ended. Time to let the curtains down.

I might have acted on impulse. I might have let my emotion cloud my sound judgment. Yet it is with the same breath that I also feel that this is the right thing to do. That this is but a closing of a chapter of my life. A new one, a better one, is about to unfold. That this could be a blessing in disguise.
 
I filed my resignation last Thursday (July 10)... and although my career with SM has ended on a sour note, at least I could walk away with my head still held high-- with my dignity, or whatever's left of it, intact.