5th Month!

I just checked the time (and date) on my laptop and realized that it's the 8th of the month, which means it's our 5th month here in the land down under. Who knew five months would just go by just like that. I only have two major papers (one is a 4000-word essay due on Friday) until next week, and first semester (technically, second) is gonna be a wrap!

Wow!

There are so many things I have learned and is learning- about school, architecture, sustainability, about building relationships and making friends, how to get by with housemates, etc. etc. So many things to adapt to, people to adjust to, makes one think that we are living inside the Big Brother House. Indeed, this might be the PBB Oz Edition. Lol. I just totally made that up, but it sure feels like we are "housemates" with an invisible hand watching over us (stalking our fb and instagram?). Now I know how it feels to be away from one's family, away from home and our comfort zones, away from close friends and to have mixed emotions about basically anything.

Here I am again with this emotional stuff. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Erewhile

Strangers we are now
Invisible
As if our memories never mattered
Our memories were all, but, memories
Lost in time, forgotten perhaps
Almost two years of building something up
rubbles in a split second
Friendship I thought was for keeps,
I guess I was wrong.
Too good to be true or too blinded by the lies.

Your gaze, your nonchalance
As if I was nothing, worthless
All the while I poured my everything
I gave my all
Well, I know it's my fault, clearly, unfortunately.
Like broken glass, broken strings of an old guitar
It still plays
but not the same tune anymore,
not the same sound
Nothing's ever gonna be the same.

Your voice
your sweet voice that used to calm me
Now it irks me, like a siren in the middle of the night
unwelcoming, unsoothing
Disrupting my peaceful slumber
jolting me to oblivion

Your laugh
that angelic laughter that melts my very core,
now leaves me reaching for my earplugs
Volumes raised,
trying to drown the noise in whatever's playing

What used to inspire me,
now throws me off course
I hate it
Such a sad fate
How sad
How really really sad.


032814/ 1:35pm

Realization 2.0

I found this picture on Instagram some weeks ago, I never thought I'd actually use it. This somehow summarizes everything I am going through. Luckily, I have snapped back into reality. I guess I just needed to see what I saw so that I'd stop wallowing in this misery. It felt like a glass of ice cold water being dumped on someone's head, or that dreaded cold shower you take in the morning. Perhaps, a gust of electric shock when you accidentally touch an electronic that's grounded. The voltage, though, is not much, not enough to kill you, but just enough to make you jump and shriek for a few seconds.

Epistaxis

This is my first ever post in Chavacano.


Ta escribi yo coneste para ase lang sale el dolor ta sinti yo na dimiyo pecho. Hinde yo ta entende porque hinde yo ta pwede ase sale el lagrimas. Por kausa ba kay hinde le para llorar? Hinde ba yo nesesita keda apektaw na mga cosa ta pasa? Pero porque bien pesao yo ta sinti ahora? Porque taki lang cyempre el dolor na mio corazon? Como no pwede yo resulya, dol kada reswelyo di mio makasinti dwele. Porque?

Misery Loves Company

How does one get over the pain? Pain that was caused by someone who at some point in your life meant a great deal? How does one get over the many sleepless nights? the emptiness? the misery?

How can some people act as if you don't exist anymore? Just like that...

Why do I find it hard to accept facts? to face reality? To just stop wallowing in this lonely abyss... I want to get up...to stand back up again. Why does it have to hurt this way?

Karma's a bitch, they say. Now I'm trying to recall what I have done in the past to deserve this... Am I getting a dose of my own medicine? All I know is that I opened my heart once again. I let myself believe that somehow the Universe will be on my side.

The cosmos and planets must be aligning up in the heavens or something... The first month of the year has not been too friendly, I must say.

One silver lining I can see from this situation is that now I know who are true friends are. Those who do not get tired of my endless moping and pity party. Who would bring the shovel (or bail me out of jail) if and when circumstances get out of hand...well, I hope it won't get to that point.

Ahhhh............ I just want this to end. Now. This instant.

Status Quo

As wikipedia.com states,

Status quo is a Latin term meaning the existing state of affairs. It is a commonly used form of the original Latin "statu quo" – literally "the state in which". To maintain the status quo is to keep the things the way they presently are.

A Load of B.S.

"No expectations," she said. "Let's just enjoy each other's company..." she said.

It was this time last week when I drowned my misery with three stallions of Red Horse. Quite a  lot for me since I seldom drink. Well, I do drink occasionally, but just enough to keep me light headed, or at least be able to cloud whatever pain I was dealing with.

This week has been a roller coaster of mood swings. For her, and for me. One minute she's her energetic, go-getter, need-to-get-things-done, "normal" self. The next she's this stubborn, I-don't-care, sometimes even wreckless attitude. I try to understand her, I do try my best. I am stretching my patience up to its most elastic limit. I should not be letting my feelings get in the way of things. I should not be affected by this. She is, after all, going thru something. Something even more worse than what I am feeling right now. It is not about me. It is about her. Her pain. Getting my emotions in the way just makes it the more confusing, and down right depressing. But why I am feeling like crap? Why am I starting to feel that I should just let her go. And just...move on?

Sleep and a Cup of Coffee

It is Monday once again. And once again, I don't feel like working....

I feel sleepy. I just want to go home to my apartment and sleep. I am thinking of all my pillows scattered all over the bed. It has been unusually cold these past days, that's why it's harder to wake up in the morning. But thinking of all the things that need to be done and thinking of seeing her again, is enough to drag my lazy butt out of bed. Urggghhh....

#TFTFZ

Photo Credit: http://www.google.com.ph/imgres?noj=1&tbm=isch&tbnid=2dUkX_vpgF-HPM%3A&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mtv.com%2Fshows%2Ffriendzone%2Fseries.jhtml&docid=dTZQDvngO6fmfM&imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fmtv.mtvnimages.com%2Fonair%2Ffriendzone%2Fassets%2Flogo%2F%2F456x330.jpg%253Fquality%253D0.85&w=456&h=330&ei=zsDlUtTPJ8LkiAfSjIGYCA&zoom=1&ved=0CKsBEIQcMBQ&iact=rc&dur=222&page=2&start=8&ndsp=14&biw=1505&bih=384

Day 2.

This morning, I woke up with not a single hangover from the beer I drank last night. Well, it was only a single bottle, yet in a way, it relaxed me...at least was able to put me to sleep. It was one way to numb me from the pain I am feeling. That sickening feeling in my stomach that makes me want to puke. I found out some things. Things I did not expect. The worst is, it makes me feel like I'm the "bad guy." I never intended to be one. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I am not the type who would force myself on someone. I just do my thing, mind my own business. Yet by some twist of fate, we became close. Maybe she saw something in me, or that we were similar in some ways. I did not force her to be my friend.

I Did It!

Photo Credit: http://www.google.com.ph/imgres?noj=1&tbm=isch&tbnid=sF3RI5szSzeweM%3A&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.deviantart.com%2Fmorelikethis%2F50916453%3Fview_mode%3D2&docid=yE4tjPl4reqwUM&imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fth03.deviantart.net%2Ffs12%2FPRE%2Fi%2F2006%2F293%2Fa%2Fb%2Fmy_heart_on_a_string_by_crayolascoloringbook.jpg&w=774&h=1032&ei=ssLlUt7BJ8nJiAfbwICoBA&zoom=1&ved=0CFEQhBwwAA&iact=rc&dur=369&page=1&start=0&ndsp=14&biw=1505&bih=453

I wouldn't let 2-0-1-3 end without my last entry for the year..

Here's an update!

So I finally spilled the beans...yep, last December 20! It was our last day at work and my flight to Zamboanga was the following day. Really, I did not know what came over me. It was a now-or-never thing, after endless debates with myself, I finally decided to take the risk. I wrote all my feelings in a letter. She was my "manita" so I slipped the letter inside the pouch containing my gift for her and some little things too.  She spent that Friday night in my apartment, and she even drove me to the airport the next morning (much to my surprise.) I begged her not to read the cards in my presence, she politely obliged. We bade each other good bye and I saw her green car go as I queued for the departure entrance at the NAIA Terminal 3.

Crossroads

Should I push the pedal to its limits and just go full throttle? or stay put for a while (for who knows till when) and wait for the right time?

Two weeks ago, I was decided. I was going to do the inevitable. Finally, I will face my fear - fear of losing everything, fear of the unknown. I was ready to jump off the cliff, to take risks. Yet something happened last week. I was not prepared for it, nor was she. It totally changed the game plan. This may be a minor setback, although sometimes I think it may even be an advantage. But am I really that type of person? I think not... I hope not...

To Fold or Not to Fold?

I started playing poker about five years ago... nothing fancy nor putting a hole in my pockets that sort of sh*t- just fun, friendly games with my cousins, brother-in-law and sometimes guy friends/ barkada. We play it at the beach, at the porch of our house. I remember we had a poker night birthday celebration because my 25th birthday fell (as it usually does) on a holy week. To be honest, that's the only card game that I can confidently say I have a knack at, and the funny thing is, I only learned to play poker on Facebook. Yep, during those apprenticeship days in my former office's computer and fast internet connection. It was downright addictive, and some of my bosses, were also into it. It was about time that my Mom bought a poker game set, complete with colorful poker chips that came with a neat metallic silver case.

Status: It's Complicated

Just when I thought of giving up... of finally letting go of a fantasy that's been brewing in my mind for the past months...for letting go of what could or might have beens... for not letting myself be truly happy with that person... slowly trying to accept that things may not just be meant to be.... but then, I see an orange propped on my office table this morning.

And as if an automatic reset button has been pressed, the cycle begins all over again....

Cut the Rope

 

Last night, as I was browsing through my news feeds in my Facebook (this is how I lure myself to sleep, by the way) I was kinda irked with all the "Napoles Surrender" thing, so I went to my profile instead. I read somewhere that looking at other people's "happy" pictures in Facebook could cause depression. Well, in my case, it was some people's posts/ statuses... jumping in the bandwagon, if you ask me. I was not depressed by it, just plain annoyed.

So what did the article say to avoid this? Read your own profile. So I did.

Unsure

It seems that I am yet again in that phase in my life that I have not a clue of what I should do. The question rather is... Should I even do anything about it?

I did not plan for it, nor I even dreamt of it. But it just happened. Mind you, it did not happen overnight. However, it was like a seed that has been ignored over time, and yet when it touched soil, somehow magically, as if someone (or something) was taking care of it, this little thing began to sprout. Until one day, the tiny leaves were already springing from the ground- uncontrollable, mindless, devastating, yet undoubtedly, beautiful.