Dark Blue Monday

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It's Monday once again.

And once again, I'm bored to death. I mean, really. For the past months, I have been easily distracted from my work. Interesting news articles, new songs, or a difficult word or idea that pops in my head which prompts me to do an extensive research about it because I would not be able to sleep properly if I do not know what it is. Sometimes I even think that I have ADHD? except the HD part. OR... I am just plain BORED?



Ninety percent of my friends in the office have already left for Singapore to work. MeAnne, my first friend during the interview in January 2012, left last Saturday. We were the ones left who attends the Feast every Sundays at PICC, now I'm all that's left behind. :(

There's an on-going battle inside me. It keeps me awake some nights. Sometimes even waking me up from my deep slumber. I worry, wonder what's really in store for me in the next year? 5 years? 10 years? Why does my future seem so bleak? Makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me?

July will be THE Judgment Month, I guess. It's make or break. I don't know if I'm prepared for the outcome, but I guess I don't have any choice but to hope for the best, and expect the worst.

I want to go to Australia, I want to take up a Masters Degree. I want to make a name for myself, and help out my family. I want to provide for them, buy them everything they need and want. Bring them on vacations, and let them experience things that rich people take for granted. I want to fulfill their dreams, all of them. It just hurts so much that I can't even buy my mom an expensive pair of sandals because I barely have enough until the next payday.

What is wrong with me? Have I made bad choices? Wrong decisions? Should I just pack up my things and go home? At least I would not be bothered every 10th of the month to look for a way to pay for rent. I would not be suffering from heatstroke because every room has a working AC. I would not have to drag my butt from bed to cook breakfast, or the best part, I can sleep in on weekends and not think about the pile of laundry from the past week.

A powerful statement from one of sisters, Jankie, during our YM chats a while back still resonates in the inner corners of my mind. What am I still trying to prove, she asked. Why do still put up with all the hardships and difficulties when I can just go home and have a good, comfortable life? More importantly, be surrounded by a loving, albeit annoying (sometimes) family.

Loneliness is killing me...bit by bit. Inch by inch.

This has become a very dark shade of Monday Blues.