Just Those Days

Why do we do the things we do? For what? For whom? What is your Emotional Why?

Last night at around 8 o'clock, I was not in a particularly good mood to start with the computations of the Area Tab of my project. Surprisingly though, I enjoyed doing the drawings, but I couldn't seem to get the drive going to finish the whole thing. Still too early for me to go home, I stayed around the office until 9, while 3 or more officemates were rendering overtime as well.

I dared to ask the difficult questions. I might have sound too philosophical last night, but it's just sometimes, we NEED to ask the questions. We just can't go on living our lives like robots, programmed to do this or that. Like zombies marching endlessly, not knowing for what or why, just because "we have to" just doesn't really cut out for me anymore.


I somehow pissed off one of my friends in the office with my questions. I was not trying to be a smart ass or anything, well not intentionally at least. I just wanted to know where they get their drive. Staying up late even until midnight to finish a drawing or some other task. Little did anyone know that WORK never actually ends. Tasks never run out. If only they could expand the hours of a day, they would. I was just in awe of how conscientious these people are, and begin to question myself... Am I just that lazy? or are they just working too hard?

I came to a point in my life that I wonder whether this is really the life that I want to live? Call it an "almost" mid-life crisis or something. Twenty nine years (and two months) in this world, but that's just the thing, have I really lived or just merely existed?

There are so many things that I want to do, to accomplish, to see, to experience. But what is keeping from going out there and seeing the world face to face? Is it fear? Have I been too complacent to disturb my own comfort zone? Lapses in judgements? Took a wrong turn perhaps?

Why am I still in this crappy place when I know deep inside that I could be my best self somewhere else? Somewhere, someone needs my knowledge, my expertise, my talents and skills. Somewhere I can thrive well and not have people piss on me just because they're being pissed on by higher management. It's just isn't worth it anymore.

If you search deep down our soul and try to shut off the noise of the world, I think we can know the answer. For whom then? For family, for loved-ones, for oneself? For what? A sense of accomplishment and pride? To gain experience? For a better portfolio? To prove oneself?

I miss having someone to talk to about life, its complexities, its paradoxes. Someone who can be as intellectually stimulating and not be emotional when I'm driving my argument. That it is, just in fact, for argument's sake. Not be judged or thought to have an ulterior motive just because I ask such questions. That it does not reflect my whole being when you question things - creating ripples in their utterly complacent minds. I need someone who can create ripples in my mind as well. To disturb the comfortable, to make me realize to my senses and be able to say, "oo nga no..." (it is, isn't it)

I just want someone to talk to about anything and everything... and not notice the time passing by... because Time is, was, and will be immaterial after all.