5th Month!

I just checked the time (and date) on my laptop and realized that it's the 8th of the month, which means it's our 5th month here in the land down under. Who knew five months would just go by just like that. I only have two major papers (one is a 4000-word essay due on Friday) until next week, and first semester (technically, second) is gonna be a wrap!

Wow!

There are so many things I have learned and is learning- about school, architecture, sustainability, about building relationships and making friends, how to get by with housemates, etc. etc. So many things to adapt to, people to adjust to, makes one think that we are living inside the Big Brother House. Indeed, this might be the PBB Oz Edition. Lol. I just totally made that up, but it sure feels like we are "housemates" with an invisible hand watching over us (stalking our fb and instagram?). Now I know how it feels to be away from one's family, away from home and our comfort zones, away from close friends and to have mixed emotions about basically anything.

Here I am again with this emotional stuff. Yadda, yadda, yadda.



What can I do? I am a sucker for love, and all its musings. The sad reality is, though, it's almost always unrequited. What is it with straight people that I always fall for one? I've been down this road before quite a million number of times, yet still, I never learn. How can one really control one's heart? Or am I just too weak and lonely to easily succumb to these feelings? I don't want to get hurt anymore, but with the rate I am going, I'm starting to think that I am a masochist? of course, not in that scary sense of the word, but you get the picture.

I thought I was over this...that because I am older, I SHOULD be wiser. Yet, whenever someone gets too close, I always end up falling for that person. That was what happend with A. We were close friends for about two years during my stint in Manila, then just like cococrunch, poof! Gone in a split second. All the wonderful memories, deep conversations, and friendship went down the drain...and it just went downhill after that. I know I have no one to blame but myself. I should have known better. I should never have let myself be too close, I should not have given her access to the innermost depths of my being. Then let it all go in a single snap.

Today, I'm having the same feelings. I know that history will keep repeating itself until I get too knocked out of my senses. On the other hand, it might just be loneliness and the "PBB effect?" I am not sure. But one thing I am sure, atleast for now, that this one is a keeper. I will not let this stupid heart of mine dictate my actions. I should know better. I should.

In a couple of weeks I will be flying home for our summer break (will be back after the twins' 7th birthday, God willing.) It was also this time some three years ago that I was like this. What is it with December that Cupid always seems to shoot arrows my way? This time it's different. I'm not falling for that again. I will be strong.... I will not tell her I love her. I will not make things awkward. I will not hold on to her every single word and laugh thinking about every funny memory. I will not make plans that will keep me hoping, deep inside. I will be a good friend, be the best, even. After all, that's all they want to have anyway.

If you ever get to read this, I am sorry. I know you said that I always wear my heart on my sleeve. Perhaps you're right. I can't promise you anything though, but for as much as I can, I will keep the friendship. I will keep my feet within the line. Sorry for not being strong enough, for letting my emotions blur my logic. But for what's it's worth, PBB effect or otherwise, I love you.

Shit.