Confessions of a Twenty-nine Year Old

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Patience is such a bitter pill to swallow. Other than that, you have to keep taking it because the effect of it easily runs out. Sustenance. It is such a painful price to pay for your dreams to come true, or for the Universe to finally conspire that someday, one day, all your aspirations will eventually be a reality.



I would like to think that I am pretty much a patient person. (Yeah, well, I CAN be impatient sometimes) but mostly, at least 67.8% of the time I can extend my patience a little longer than the average person. Not trying to "alsa" my "bangko (/carry own chair)" or anything, it's just what I have observed. I could wait in line for a good three hours without complaining (PRC ID renewal,) just provide me with a full battery on my phone and a data connection. I could stay up with you till midnight while you render (useless) over time at work. Just don't catch me when I'm hungry or sleep-deprived, or you're gonna wish you did not cross me that day. The last past months though have been a manifestation of how long I can endure waiting and waiting and waiting...

Today, like most days, my impatience for something is unfortunately getting the better of me. I find it hard to get myself off the bed each morning. It must be of the ridiculous heat or something, or maybe the drive I once had, has already waned, or worst, gone. I pray, so hard in fact, that God will grant me more patience and wisdom. I guess these are just those tests that some people talk about. Boy, this is even harder than I thought.

Though it's hard to admit, I somehow feel disappointed (for a lack of a better term) with myself. Why have I not thought about this sooner? Was I too selfish to think of only for myself? I feel bad because I could not give my parents the life they deserve yet, heck, I could not even pay for my own rent yet. It just sucks. I don't want to be negative and such, but sometimes, drowning in self-pity is more real than the abominable snowman and Big Foot combined. It just bites you in the arse.

I am not sure, nor it's too shameful to admit, that even though I am OLD enough, I still don't have an idea what to do with my life. I don't really have a clue of what's gonna happen to me 5-10 years from now. It's as if my life is on auto-pilot, just cruising at high and sometimes low altitudes, not in total control. I always thought that life is going to be easy breezy.

The thought that I'm still clueless scares me a great deal. Have I not dreamt enough? Was I too comfortable with what I had and where I was? What the hell is wrong with me? Did I make the wrong decisions?

If only I could Google all the answers, I would. On the otherhand, I think is the greatest test of faith for me.

I really could use a LOT of faith right now. =,/