Dark Clouds, Aussie-style

November must be one of the most challenging months for me. Pressures with finishing assessments, problems with the family back home, unrequited love problems... those are some of the things that plagued me for the past weeks, and as the old adage says, "when it rains, it pours."

Although I hate to admit it, I think I had a serious bout with depression two weeks before my final deadline, which was only last week. I could not function well. I could not sleep. I drink to drown my sorrows. One of the serious things I noticed was my poor sleeping pattern. I barely have 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night. To make matters worse, I submitted 2 assignments late because I could not think properly.

I know I should have asked for help, to reach out. Yet I knew that my sounding board, Sewang, was going through a roller coaster of emotions of her own. I could not burden her even more. Two of my closest friends in uni went home to their respective families in their home countries, leaving me feeling all alone in the most crucial part (yet) of my postgrad experience. Yet I appreciate it when they check up on me once in a while. It's as if they have never left my side, but who am I kidding.

It is not fair to say that I am already over it. In fact, I just guzzled 2 1/2 beers tonight just to feel numb (not entirely tho, since the first 1 1/2 cans of beer I drank were at a karaoke night with fellow international students.) I drank another one at home to keep myself from breaking down. What's even harder is that I can't cry. Even if I want to, even if my heart is bursting at the seams. Even if I want to shout at the top of my lungs, yet no sound is coming out. As if I am falling into an abyss. Some hands are reaching out, yet I still feel that my hand is slowly slipping away. Even my faith is being tested. I want to give up. To not feel anymore pain. This is all too much. I don't think I can still keep this seemingly strong facade anymore. I just want to break down and cry...yet no fucking tears are coming out. What the hell is wrong with me?

In nine days I will be coming home to Zamboanga. Maybe because what I am going thru is normal for a student in a foreign land. All the uncertainties, the feeling of inadequacy- that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not fast enough. I pray to God that my current state is just "normal."

It is so hard when you were the source of strength of some of the people around you, but when the strength is gone, to whom shall I draw strength from? My mind is blown. The people around me seem oblivious with what I am going thru.

I am just trying to get by each day. Each waking moment. Hoping that the dark clouds hovering over me will disappear. That there will be a new day, a new hope, a renewed strength for me.

5th Month!

I just checked the time (and date) on my laptop and realized that it's the 8th of the month, which means it's our 5th month here in the land down under. Who knew five months would just go by just like that. I only have two major papers (one is a 4000-word essay due on Friday) until next week, and first semester (technically, second) is gonna be a wrap!

Wow!

There are so many things I have learned and is learning- about school, architecture, sustainability, about building relationships and making friends, how to get by with housemates, etc. etc. So many things to adapt to, people to adjust to, makes one think that we are living inside the Big Brother House. Indeed, this might be the PBB Oz Edition. Lol. I just totally made that up, but it sure feels like we are "housemates" with an invisible hand watching over us (stalking our fb and instagram?). Now I know how it feels to be away from one's family, away from home and our comfort zones, away from close friends and to have mixed emotions about basically anything.

Here I am again with this emotional stuff. Yadda, yadda, yadda.